


i just want you back but i can’t

by cityboy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Mentions of Death, Park Jisung (NCT)-centric, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 14:48:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18693673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cityboy/pseuds/cityboy
Summary: jisung is having a hard time coping up.





	i just want you back but i can’t

**Author's Note:**

> i actually don’t know if this is good enough but i tried hjdhdj
> 
> ( - start of flashback  
> ) - end of flashback

_ “that’s not even a decent picture!” jisung pouted when chenle showed him the picture he just took. _

_ “what do you mean? you look cute here,” chenle said disagreeing. he looked at the picture once again before he started laughing. _

_ jisung glared at his boyfriend before reaching for chenle’s phone, which the older dodged. _

_ “give it to me,” jisung demanded as he tried to reach for it again, only for chenle to pry it further away. _

_ jisung gave chenle a look of disbelief before reaching for it again. _

_ “no way. you’ll just delete it!” the older said, taking a step back. _

_ “give it to me, le,” the younger stepped closer and chenle made a run for it, letting out a loud laugh when he heard his boyfriend whine. _

_ “god! you are such a child,” the taller out of the two breathed before moving his feet to chase after his little boyfriend. _

 

“when did he even made all of this” jisung muttered, voice strained. he continued to watch the clip and saw himself catching his boyfriend by the waist and spinning him before both falling to the ground. laughter and screams emitting from the ipad filled the quiet room.

and jisung was once again caught up in the memories.

but he did not cry nor let out a single tear fall from his face. he didn’t do that because he was already drained, his head pounding from all the crying he has done for the past month but the wound was still fresh nonetheless.

he watched the previous clip end before it changed to another one, and it brought him all of the same pain over and over again.

the door opened, revealing mark carrying a tray with a simple meal on it. “hey bud, how you holding up?” he asked, entering the room and kicking the door close with his feet.

“terrible” jisung whispered as he watched himself and chenle battled on who will score the highest in the basketball hoop arcade.

mark peeked at what the younger was watching and let out a sad smile. “you’ll feel better soon, sung. i promise,” mark softly said, replacing the untouched food on the younger’s bedside table with the newly cooked one.

jisung gave the older a tight smile, “i sure hope so,” watching as he saw chenle shout out in triumph and him admitting lost. he watched as his boyfriend approach him and gave him a peck as a consolation prize and him pulling the smaller closer for a kiss.

mark ruffled the younger’s hair, “you better eat the new food i set here,” he sternly said but was laced with gentle concern. he walked to the door and opened it, “you should really take care of yourself, sung. chenle wouldn’t want to see you suffering,” he continued softly before slipping out of the room, letting the coldness of the room completely engulf the young boy once again.

after mark left the room, jisung contemplated on what the older said for a good few minutes before pausing the next clip and reaching for the food his friend just gave him.

it was curry.

jisung let out a bitter laugh, “you’ve got to be kidding me.”

 

(“jisung, you need to stop walking backwards in the cafeteria. what if you bumped into someone and knock off their food,” mark scolded as he watch his friend confidently walk backwards.

jisung let out a ‘psh’ while raising his hand to dismiss his older friend’s concern. “nothing could go wrong, mark. besides, it’s better to talk this way, don’t you think?” he added confidently, looking at his other friend, donghyuck.

“i totally agree with you,” donghyuck immediately agreed, nodding once for more confirmation.

“don’t encourage him,” mark said glaring at the tan skinned boy.

“oh please, what could go wrong?” donghyuck scoffed before imitating jisung’s actions, walking backwards and catching up with the younger’s pace. “hey, this isn’t so bad! it’s like we’re already seated at our table except we’re walking,” he continued earning a heartful laugh from jisung.

“mark just said not to do that,” jaemin sighed as he watched his two friends walk backwards with goofy smiles on their faces, ignoring the boy’s scolding.

“race you to the line, hyuck?” jisung challenged, nudging the older’s side with his elbow and quickening his pace.

“i’ll get there first before you even get the chance to blink,” donghyuck smugly said chasing after jisung and going ahead of him.

“don’t even try it,” mark warned quickening his pace too to chase after the two, jaemin following suit. 

but the two didn’t listen.

jisung and donghyuck started to jog backwards, avoiding every person who was on their way. mark called for their attention once more but was only returned with a laugh.

jisung then dashed ahead of donghyuck letting out a laugh of victory as he saw the small distance between them. he leaned his head back as he laughed, eyes disappearing in the process and continued to run backwards.

“you idiot, watch out!” mark shouted and before jisung even got the chance to turn his head and see who should he avoid, the young boy collided with that unknown someone, knocking off their food.

both fell to the floor and a loud sound of metal was heard throughout the cafeteria, gaining everyone’s attention.

jisung let out a groan from the impact, “sorry, i didn’t mean this to happen,” he said and looked at the person he just bumped into.

it was a guy.  _a cute guy_ , in fact.

he was obviously smaller than jisung and looked like he was about his age, or maybe older. his shirt was splattered with yellowish sauce and only did jisung knew that the menu today was curry.

“you’ve got curry all over me,” the other said, standing up and trying to wipe off the sauce that was only growing as a stain.

jisung stood up and took off his sweater, “here, maybe it’ll help you hide the stain,” he offered, handing out the clothing to the boy.

the unknown boy took jisung’s sweater after a little hesitation, mumbling a small ‘thank you’ in the process and the tall boy found it cute in many ways.

once the small boy has worn the taller’s sweater, jisung’s friends finally reached where he was and got a strong hit on the head from mark.

“i told you so,” he said earning a scowl from the younger.

“look. i’m really sorry for what happened to your lunch and shirt, i really didn’t mean this to happen,” jisung said to the still unknown boy while he rubbed the back of his neck, “i hope you’re not that mad.”

“it’s fine, really! your sweater kinda made up for it,” the smaller said giving jisung a kind smile.

“i’m jisung by the way,” he said returning a smile to the other and handing out his hand.

“chenle,” the smaller said taking jisung’s hand and shaking it, “i’ll see you again sometime, maybe?”)

 

jisung remembered clearly what happened on that day. he remembered how chenle looked impossibly smaller in his sweater, how his hand felt soft and delicate,  how his hand fit perfectly to his incredibly large ones.

jisung clearly remembers it all and he suddenly feels suffocated.

he got out from bed and grabbed a coat. he hurriedly went down and walked to the front door, “i’m going out,” he announced without looking back before slamming the door shut.

“should we follow him?” donghyuck asked, concerned.

“maybe he just needed to breathe,” jaemin replied, “and it’s been awhile since he last went out of the house. let him be,” he added but with the same concern lacing his voice.

“i trust him enough to know he won’t do anything stupid. he’ll come back soon,” mark said, holding donghyuck’s hand and giving it a light squeeze to reassure the young boy.

“i hope you’re right,” the tanned boy whispered before leaning his head on mark’s shoulder.

 

jisung didn’t know where he was going but his feet somehow led him to the small cafe down the street. he looked inside and saw a few people, and without second thought, he went in and sat at the far end corner of the room. where he saw every movement that was happening inside and outside of the cafe. this seat has always been his favorite spot of the cafe.

their favorite spot.

the young boy didn’t realize he was in a daze when a cup was set down in front of him.

“i didn’t order anything,” he immediately said and looked up to see a familiar face.

it was jaehyun. the owner of the small cafe.

“it’s on the house, kid,” he warmly said, his dimple popping out.

“thanks,” jisung said with a tiny smile. he took a tiny sip from his drink but only felt a bitter taste even though the drink jaehyun gave him was iced choco.

“you look terrible, sung,” jaehyun carefully said as he took a seat across the young boy, concern evident in his eyes.

jisung chuckled dryly at the comment, “so i’ve been told,” he joked back but his smile didn’t reach his eyes even in the slightest bit.

jaehyun sighed and held jisung’s hand, giving it a light squeeze. “i know it’s hard but you need to try, sung. not only for yourself, but for chenle as well,” he softly said with the same warm smile that jisung was all too familiar with.

“for chenle..” jisung whispered as his mind drifted off to his image. eyes soft and loving as ever, smile that jisung never grew tired off, and warmth that jisung misses the most.

the sudden silence from the younger signaled the older to leave and give his friend some space.

“i’m going back to work. you can stay for as long as you like and just approach me when you need something,” the cafe owner said, ruffling jisung’s already disheveled hair.

“thank you, jae,” jisung whispered holding on to the older’s wrist. jaehyun gave him one last smile, “anytime, kid,” he replied before taking off to go back to his place behind the counter.

 

(jisung’s phone buzzed, signaling that he had a message. he took out his phone and saw a message from mark.

**from: mark**

**we’re going out tonight**

**wanna join us?**

the young boy typed in a quick reply and entered the place where he and chenle are supposed to meet. the tiny bell attached to the door rang, announcing jisung’s arrival.

“look who’s here,” a deep friendly voice said bringing a big smile to the young boy’s face.

“jaehyun!!” jisung cheerfully said as he approached the counter and gave the said man, jaehyun, a fist bump.

“where are the others?” jaehyun asked, looking behind the boy to see if jisung’s friends were hiding somewhere outside of the cafe.

“it’s just me today,” the young boy let out a chuckle, “i’m meeting someone here,” he shared after, a smile crawling up his face.

jaehyun formed an ‘o’ with his mouth, eyes and interest sparking at the information. “what’s your order then, kid?” he said smiling, dimple popping out.

“the usual iced choco,” the younger replied bringing out the exact amount needed, “but make it two.” he continued, smiling.

after giving out his payment and receiving the receipt, jisung went to his usual spot in the cafe. at the far end corner of the room where you can see everything what’s going on in and outside of the cafe. jisung was always fond of movement, may it be a person or a thing, he found it so eye catching and was simply interested in it. it was always the one thing jisung looks for when he seems stuck in what he’s doing, it has always helped him think ever since.

jaehyun called out jisung’s order after a while; and as soon as jisung was about to go back to his seat, the soft bell was heard throughout the cafe.

jisung looked to see who it was and coincidentally, it was chenle.

“chenle! over here,” the tall boy called out the smaller’s attention.

chenle turned his head to the direction of the voice and was glad to see jisung. he walked over to the tall boy and greeted him with a soft ‘hey’.

“i hope you don’t mind me already ordering for you,” jisung said as he led chenle to their table.

“it’s fine! i love iced choco,” chenle said, smiling.

“i’m glad, then,” jisung smiled back, putting down the tray on the table and sitting down with chenle following suit.

 “i do have to pay you though,” the smaller said reaching for his wallet.

jisung caught chenle’s wrist before the smaller could even take out money, “you don’t have to pay. just take it as my apology for what happened three days ago,” he said, waving his other hand in front of the boy.

“really?” chenle asked.

“really.” jisung confirmed.

which chenle returned with a relieved smile.

after chenle returned jisung‘s sweater and after a few minutes of awkward exchanges, the two finally got to be comfortable with each other and spent hours talking in the cafe like it wasn’t the first time they have met. they got to know each other and jisung found out that chenle was a year higher and that he was a major in theater arts like donghyuck.

the two boys instantly clicked and both found it odd but in a good way.

“do you want to ditch this cafe and spend the rest of the day with me?” jisung suddenly asked in the middle of their conversation and laughter.

chenle paused for awhile. his index finger and thumb made its way up to the his chin as if he was thinking. he stressed out a ‘hmm’ just to make the young boy across him anxious.

which was quite effective.

because jisung was fiddling with his fingers underneath the table, cheeks red and mind wandering.

chenle thought that it was cute. _he was cute._

the small boy let out a small laugh, “i’m just messing with you,” he said smiling wide, eyes forming into tiny crescents.

jisung let out a relieved laugh and looked at chenle with the same wide smile, “so?”

“let’s go! we have a whole day ahead of us,” chenle said, excitement filling his body.

the two boys stood up simultaneously and left the cafe with big smiles and excitement in them. jisung took out his phone, sent a quick text and let his feet wander the city with chenle on his side.

**to: mark**

**change of plans,, i’m hanging out with chenle today**

**i’m sorry ! i promise to go out with you guys next time :D** )

 

jisung stood up and left the cafe wordlessly, face gloomy and heart heavy once again. he left the small cafe with memories flooding in all at once.

he left the iced choco in the cafe, its taste still lingering in his mouth like how the pain still lingers in his heart.

 

jisung felt like everywhere he went only reminded him of chenle and it only aches his heart for longing. he didn’t know when will his misery end, he was tired of crying and feeling that familiar pinch in his heart but at the same time he didn’t want to let the feeling go, because at some point, jisung thought that his pain was the only thing left to be close to chenle, to still feel his presence despite his absence in places jisung goes.

at some point of the young boy’s walk, he passed by a store along the way, a store that sells cameras.

chenle loved documenting everything, may it be his friends or his surroundings, he loved capturing it in his camera. chenle never said the exact reason why he loved doing that, the younger boy just overpassed it as some sort of hobby or passion—which jisung regretted.

because if he knew the reason from the very beginning he would’ve been more willing to do those things with chenle.

jisung had a lot of flaws while being chenle’s boyfriend but the older, not even once, didn’t ran out of patience or grew tired. he was loving and understanding as ever and jisung always thought that he was the luckiest man alive.

 

(“come on, ji! just one picture, i promise,” chenle said, camera ready in his hands.

jisung sighed as he ruffled his hair and stood in position. the brunette didn’t like his picture taken if he’s not feeling it but seeing his boyfriend’s eager and smiley face makes him want to pose and let his little boyfriend take all the pictures he wants.

so he does.

chenle took the picture and yelled out for another one. despite being against the other’s will, he striked another pose and chenle took it once again, a big smile spreading across his face.

before chenle could ask for another one, jeno called out for the two’s attention. jisung let out a sigh in relief and held out his arm for a pouty chenle to run into.

“let’s take more inside, okay?” jisung reassured the other, his hand falling to the smaller’s waist and pulled him closer. his thumb drawing tiny circles on it as a sign of comfort.

chenle let out a soft ‘okay’ before he and jisung approached their group and altogether they entered the amusement park. 

the day spent with their friends was really something to remember. it brought them together just like how chenle and jisung were meant for each other. if it weren’t for the two dating for almost 2 months now, the friend group wouldn’t have been formed.

“i’m really happy that our friends get along with each other,” chenle warmly said, sitting comfortably on jisung’s bed as he looked at their group photo earlier that day.

jisung hummed in agreement and snaked his arm around the other’s tiny frame. chenle instantly rested his head on the younger’s chest, cuddling to him even further to get the warmth he needed. jisung smiled at the tiny action and gave the smaller a light peck on the top of his head. he looked at the camera chenle was holding as he flipped from picture to picture, video to video.

“hey lele,” jisung called, voice low and gentle.

chenle hummed as response to know that he was listening to whatever his boyfriend was about to say, so jisung continued.

“why do you document everything?” the younger asked, the volume of his voice remained the same but the curiosity in his tone was not hard to miss.

the small boy smiled at the question. he continued to look at picture after picture, film after film; until he finally stopped at one picture—a picture of jisung from earlier.

it was a candid shot. the young boy evidently laughing in the photo—his eyes disappearing as creases surrounded the corner of his eyes, he had one hand covering his mouth and one hand holding a can of soda. the photo instantly bringing a fond smile to chenle’s face, he brought the camera up to properly show the picture to his boyfriend.

“you see how  _raw_ this  photo is?” chenle asked.

the sudden question brought confusion all over the brunette’s face; muttering a tiny ‘no’, the older only laughed at the other’s cluelessness. chenle sat up straight and faced his partner, legs crossed and a smile on his face that jisung loved so much.

“why do you think i picture and film everything?” the smaller asked once more. 

“because you love it?” jisung replied, unsure.

chenle’s smile grew bigger, showing a bit of his teeth, “that’s right,” he said nodding, “but that’s not the reason i’m looking for.”

the brunette let his head fall to the side as he looked at his partner, confusion growing on his face by every second. he tried to rake up other reasons he could think of but nothing ever came to mind, but chenle still looked at him with all the patience and love in his eyes.

when it seemed like no answer ever came to the younger boy; chenle spoke up, voice ever so soft and gentle.

“it’s for the memories, sungie.”

“memories?”

chenle hummed in confirmation.

“why put everything in camera when we have our minds to remember?”

chenle smiled at the younger’s question, expecting it to come out of his partner’s confused and curious self sooner or later.

“the mind doesn’t always remember everything, sungie. i won’t always remember how beautiful the sunset is or how happy we were in such moments. our minds won’t always capture the littlest of things or the littlest of moments, but my camera can. my mind may choose what i can remember but my camera won’t, i get to choose what i want to remember,” the older said, giving jisung’s nose a light poke before retrieving back his finger.

“i get to choose what i want to remember and finally lock it here,” he continued, pressing the brunette’s chest where his heart was located. jisung grabbed ahold of the older’s hand and slipped his fingers, filling the gap in between and giving the top of his partner’s hand a kiss.

“the mind may fail to remember some things, but the heart won’t,” chenle said as he looked deep into his boyfriend’s eyes that was full of love and adoration and smiled, “it never will.”)

 

_the heart never forgets._

chenle’s voice rings in his ears up to his head, and it pains jisung; as much as he tries to get his boyfriend out if his mind, to get the wrenching pain out of his chest, and as much as he hopes and wishes that he’ll wake up the next day and forget all of this has happened,

his heart will never forget.

a tear left his cheek upon the memory and he walked and walked and walked, he didn’t bother where his feet will bring him next, he didn’t bother the looks people gave his way, he didn’t bother the tears that soon fell on his cheeks and unto the hard pavement, he didn’t bother the sudden rain that started to pour, he didn’t bother that he was starting to get soaked, jisung just continued walk.

the world looks so dull right now just like how dull jisung’s world has been for the past month. everyone around him seems to have properly moved on in their lives while he was left alone in the dark corner of the room, hoping , _praying_ that someone will come and pull him out from the misery he’s been going through eversince chenle died.  _his chenle._

and everything still hurts up until now.

soon enough, his feet stopped in front of someone’s apartment door—a door that jisung knew all too well. he brought his fist up and knocked; and after a few seconds of waiting, the door finally opened, revealing a boy that was smaller than jisung but definitely older than him. a boy that jisung treated as his brother from another family, apart from his friends: huang renjun, chenle’s best friend.

“jisung?” renjun said, shock evident in his voice as he did not expect the sudden visit from the young boy. he took in the image of the younger in front of him and soon realized that he was trembling and soaked. “jesus fuck, you’re wet! come inside, hurry,” the chinese said panicking as he guided jisung to the warmth that was renjun and chenle’s home.

the chinese boy left jisung standing in the entrance but quickly returned with a towel in both hands. renjun wrapped the towel over the tall boy and led him to the bathroom.

jisung was shivering, his lips turned into a pale blue, teeth clattering and mouth trembling. he was gripping onto the cloth around him so tight that he felt like he could rip it apart. his knees felt so weak and his clothes didn’t help much either. jisung was in such a terrible state that renjun couldn’t help but get teary.

“i... i’m gonna call mark, okay? go take a hot shower,” renjun instructed softly and before jisung could even utter a word, the smaller has already clicked the door closed.

jisung stood dumbly in the middle of the bathroom; he seemed to be more lost than ever, like he didn’t know what to do anymore. it took him awhile before he finally decided to take that shower renjun told him to, stripped down his wet clothes and stepped in the shower, letting the hot water trail down his skin.

the hot water instantly relaxed his muscles but his mind can simply not rest. a month has passed and jisung’s still in the worse condition ever, probably worst. out of all the people who knows chenle, he’s the only one left who was taking his death so hard, he simply cannot move on.

he remembers chenle’s last words and it just felt too suffocating, like his heart would explode into a million pieces. as he let out a shaky breath, the door to the bathroom opened but jisung didn’t bothered to look who it was.

“hey, sung? bud?” a voice said. it was mark, jisung thought and squeaked out a ‘yes’ to know that he was present.

“i brought some clothes for you. come to the living room after you’re done, okay? we’ll wait for you there,” mark gently said but the worry in his voice was all to obvious to jisung that he couldn’t help but sigh.

after mark placed down the younger’s clothes on a rack and after jisung muttered a small answer, the older finally left the bathroom, leaving jisung once again in his thoughts.

not a long while after, jisung stepped out of the shower and upon wearing his clothes, his eyes landed on his reflection. jaehyun wasn’t fooling around when he said that jisung, indeed, looked terrible.

his eyes were red rimmed and was swollen from the crying he has done for the day, his eye bags were darker than ever, his lips were shaped into a deep frown and were chapped, he got thinner than he usually was indicating that he lost a lot of weight; if it weren’t for the shower, jisung would’ve also seen how messy his hair was. in conclusion, he looked dead and tired and jisung only wanted to just sleep.

but he also found sleeping harder than the usual because once he closes his eyes, all he can see is a boy with warm smiles and eyes that turn to tiny crescents, a high-pitched laugh that jisung recognized all too well, and warm chubby small hands holding his large cold hands. it was a nice dream until he wakes up only to be greeted with an empty space beside him which would lead to a night filled with quiet sobs.

because as much as he yearns for chenle’s presence, as much as he tries to look for his warmth, and no matter how many times he cries and prays to bring the love of his life back, he can’t.

chenle will never come back and jisung knows it.

tears well up in his eyes and he sniffles; but that was it, he did not let it fall down his sunken cheeks even though they were already threatening to flow out. he let it all in, like a strong boy he is.

 

(“jisung,” chenle called and the taller shifted his attention to his boyfriend.

it was a late afternoon and the two were spending it at the park, watching the horizon across them as the sun began to set, splashing colors of orange and golden yellow in their surroundings. it was beautiful, jisung thought but seeing chenle shine a golden glow with the help of the sun, his mind immediately thought that no one can really compare to chenle’s beauty and jisung will never get tired of admiring the other’s presence.

chenle was looking afar, taking in the life around him for one last time. “jisung,“ chenle called again, and when he turned his head to look at his boyfriend, the other was already looking back.

the chinese boy took in the love evident in jisung’s eyes one last time. he’s gonna miss this, chenle thought. 

“promise me one thing,”

“what is it?” 

“that you’re gonna be strong no matter how hard the situation is,”

“lele, i don’t get what you’re tryin-“

“just promise me, sungie,”

“promise me that no matter how painful it gets for you, you’ll remain strong. be the guy that everyone will lean on to just like how i’ve leaned on to you.” chenle said with all softness in his voice when the taller didn’t answer back.

jisung tried to find answers in the older’s eyes but was only returned with the same love and adoration he has always gave to the younger.

“promise me,” chenle pushed, persistent yet gentle.

jisung let out a soft sigh and held chenle’s hand, kissing it, “i promise.”)

 

jisung feels much more terrible now that he recalled his promise to chenle. he blinked away his tears, sucking in a breath and letting it out. he stepped out of the bathroom and went to the living room where mark told him to, and there he saw them. his friends. giving the youngest the warmest and comforting smile they could muster.

“come sit here, buddy” mark said with a gentle smile, tapping the space next to him in the middle and jisung complied.

the boy dragged his feet on the floor as he made his way up to the space mark has saved him. as soon as he sat down, five pairs of arms instantly wrapped the youngest into a tight hug and jisung tried with all his might to hold the tears in but one tear fell after the other and when a choked sob came out of his mouth, jisung finally turned into a sobbing mess. his head buried in his hands as his cries got louder and louder.

“shh.. just let it out, sung. let it all out,” jeno whispered in his ear as the others also whispered comforting words to the crying boy.

“it’s just really hard, you know? it’s like a half of me was taken away and was never returned and that sucks. i was supposed to be strong for you guys but i was the one who fucking faltered, i was the one who lost it and i’m really sorry for it, i’m also sorry for the time i got mad at you guys for not telling me that chenle was sick but i was just really angry at myself for not sensing it atleast one bit. i’m just.. really frustrated at myself. i feel like i didn’t deserve chenle at all, i feel like i didn’t treat him well enough and i just want to hold him again and tell him ‘i’m sorry’ and ‘i love you’ over and over again. i just want him back but i know that will never happen because he’s dead and he’s somewhere up there safe and resting but i really, really, really,  _really_ miss him and it hurts, everything hurts..” jisung managed to breathe out the last word of his little rant even though he was loudly weeping in between.

it was hard to completely understand what the youngest was saying because of his weeps in every sentence but despite all of that, the five boys patiently listened to what the young boy had to say and gave him a sense of comfort in every way that they know, and jisung appreciated it all.

renjun released from the hug first and sat in front of the black haired boy, “jisung look at me.” when the young boy didn’t looked up, renjun called for his attention again, and this time jisung finally complied.

the chinese boy looked at his friend’s face, and it was so evident how much he was suffering, it pained renjun in many ways that he can’t explain. he’s also been through a lot but he knows he needs to be stronger for the younger, so he took jisung’s hands and held it in the most gentle way.

“we know it’s hard, but you really need to try-“

“that’s what jaehyun told me awhile ago at the cafe..” jisung softly said, cutting off renjun’s words. the young boy has already calmed down in the slightest bit, the sobs have already stopped but the tears were still endlessly trailing down his cheeks.

“well, what jaehyun said was right,” renjun said, wiping off the tears on the younger’s face.

“sungie, you can’t be like this forever, you need to start on your life again. when was even the last time you danced your heart out?” jisung fell silent on the question and held his head down. eversince chenle died, he hasn’t stepped foot in the dance studio; he was too depressed and too weak to dance.

the silence from the younger made the five boys exchange worried glances, renjun could only sigh. “you’re barely functioning, sungie and that’s not a good thing. we know it pains you more than it pained us but you got to try to let go of the hurt and regret that you’re feeling, it’s the only way you can move forward.” renjun scolded in the most careful way possible. aside from mark and chenle, he was one of the few people who always guided jisung when things get a little too much for the younger or when he didn’t know what to do.

jisung sniffled lightly, scrunching his nose. the tears have stopped and his breathing was normal again but he remained silent, trying to sink in the words renjun have just told him.

“the video you were watching earlier the day... have you finished it?” mark asked amidst the silence.

jisung only shook his head no.

“i want you to finish it ‘til the end. when you’re done watching it, i want you to live your life again. we may have knocked out a tiny bit of sense out of you but i believe chenle will be the last hard blow.” mark said, handing out the ipad jisung was holding since early morning.

renjun motioned jisung to finish it at chenle’s room, assuring the younger that the five will be in the living room if ever he needed something.

jisung didn’t exactly get what mark meant but he was sure that the others know something that he doesn’t. the walk to chenle’s room was nerve wrecking on jisung’s part, this is the first time he’ll be entering his boyfriend’s room again since his death.

when he reached the door to chenle’s room, he sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. he didn’t know why he was so nervous, or maybe he was just scared, jisung didn’t know exactly.

as the black haired boy opened the door with shaky hands, a wave of memories splashed before him. chenle’s room was still the same from the last time he saw it—it was clean and organized, like it wasn’t a room of someone who was already dead. renjun must have taken care of chenle’s room, the young boy thought as he fully slipped in to his boyfriend’s room.

chenle‘s room was small but it had a glass wall that could let you see the whole city, his bed was placed at the far end corner near the glass wall. the wall beside his bed was designed with posters and pictures that the passed boy took. nothing much has changed in chenle’s room.

the wardrobe and the clothing rack was still placed at the other side of the room, the study desk was still at the foot of chenle’s bed, and the big white cloth that the two put together once for movie nights was still taped to the wall; but jisung still felt so foreign standing in the middle of his boyfriend’s room.

jisung made his way to the bed and laid down, trying to find the familiar scent of his boyfriend but to none of his avail. the sweet scent of vanilla that jisung loved so much was nowhere to be found in chenle’s covers, the young boy could only sigh heavily.

with a heavy heart, jisung sat up and opened the ipad that he was holding since awhile ago. the clip was paused to where he last left off before he decided to go out, jisung clicked play and only then he realized it was not one of those videos chenle takes when they were out on dates.

it was just chenle, in the hospital.

 

_“it’s day 5 and i’m in the hospital to do my usual hospital stuff... i told you that i’m busy today, i just hope you won’t suspect anything.” chenle said with a smile on his face as he walked through the hallways of the hospital._

_“the doctor said i have a month left to live, and there’s no certainty if i’ll actually reach a month but.. let’s just hope.” he continued, a hint of sadness in his voice._

 

the video was cut and the next clip came into view. jisung was on the brink of tears once again.

 

_“it’s day 17 and it’s already...” chenle trailed as he looked at his watch, “10 a.m.” he said, continuing, “i asked the boys if they could help me on this little project of mine and i’m relieved that they agreed to this. they’ve really done so much for me and i hope you won’t get mad at them, sungie.” the chinese softly said looking at the camera of his phone with the eyes jisung knew far too well. the look chenle does when he’s asking for a favor._

_ “i actually don’t know why i’m counting down but it’s day 25 and i’m growing anxious each day if i’m being honest,” chenle laughed dryly. the bags under his eyes were evident and his cheeks have already sunken. _

_“you said i’ve grown thin... have i?” he said, wondering as he grabbed ahold of his cheeks and examined them on his phone’s screen. “maybe i have. anyway, i kinda want to give myself a standing ovation for keeping my sickness a secret to you. you haven’t suspected one bit, baby but i don’t blame you for that. i just wish you won’t be taking it too hard when i die.. i’m really sorry for keeping this from you.”_

 

silent tears and heavy breaths filled the entirety of the room as jisung watched the video chenle made for him. chenle has gone through so much alone that jisung can’t help but to feel the same regret, and it pains him. so much.

the next clip was filmed not in the hospital, but in chenle’s room.

 

_“today’s april 29 and it’s day 29.. i want to applaud myself for actually reaching this far,” chenle said, a proud smile plastered on his face as he lightly hit his upper arm repeatedly to look like he was clapping._

 

but jisung could tell chenle was just acting.

 

_“the doctor said there’s a possibility i might die tomorrow morning but if i get lucky enough, i can die on the morning of may first.. i really wish it’ll be the latter,” the young boy paused, taking a deep breath before releasing it. chenle was beyond scared but he has accepted his fate a long time ago._

_“i’m on my way to meet you at your house and i’m pretty excited because we’re going to make snacks for our picnic! and then after that we’re gonna take pics with the cherry blossom trees and we’re gonna watch the sunset! it’s the perfect way to say goodbye, don’t you think?” the chinese boy’s voice was barely above a whisper at the end, partnering it with a bitter laugh._

_chenle was close to crying but he blinked them away as fast as they came. “i better get going, you know how impatient you can get sometimes.” he said with a wink before turning the camera off._

 

and the clip ended. the whole screen was pitched black with a note flashing in the middle:

 

_remove the case of the ipad._

 

with shaky hands and a beating heart, jisung quickly removed the ipad’s case. when he has completely removed it, an envelope fell out.

the young boy set aside the gadget and the case and carefully took the envelope in his hands. the envelope was on the color of baby blue with a gold wax seal that was in a shape of a heart and had a bouquet emblem.

jisung’s breath hitched when he opened the envelope and saw a letter inside. chenle’s letter. the young boy gently unfolded the paper and saw his boyfriend’s neat handwriting.

 

**_sungie,_ **

**_if you’re reading this, it means you’ve finished the video the boys made for you (the idea came from me though) and it also means that i’m already you know._ **

**_there’re a lot of things i want to say to you but i’m limited to one paper so i’m gonna make this short. kinda._ **

**_first, i’m so sorry for not telling you any sooner, i really intended to keep it from you and it was a selfish choice i know, but i was scared that you’ll only worry for me and get tired and i didn’t want that. i never wanted anyone’s pity, i only wanted to live the life that i wanted and you gave me that. i’ve never actually felt so alive until i met you, you’ve made my life worth living when all hope seems lost. i’m so sorry that i won’t be there beside you to fulfill our dreams. i know you always wanted to build our own house, get a dog as our child, to be the most famous choreographer/dancer and most famous theatre actor, i know you wanted to live together until we die. i’m sorry that mine was a little early, it was inevitable anyway._ **

**_i’m really thankful that i met you, sungie. you’re the greatest blessing god has given me and i’ve never felt so lucky in my entire life. i always thanked the day that we met even though you got curry all over my shirt.. i always thanked every single day i spent with you. and believe me when i say, every moment i had with you was my favorite._ **

**_but i’m not writing this letter to say goodbye. i’m writing this to give you one big slap in the face! doesn’t mean i’m dead, it doesn’t mean that it’s the end of your life too. i don’t want you to live your life with regret, sungie. this was meant to happen and you need to accept that like how i’ve accepted it. i don’t want you to mope around and cry over me, i want you to fulfill your dreams, i want you to dance like crazy until you’re tired. you always belonged to the stage, baby and i hope you’re not sacrificing that just to mourn over me._ **

**_you promised me that you’ll be strong no matter how hard the situation is, and i hope you’re fulfilling that. pain will always be a temporary thing so i want you to live your life._ **

**_just know that if i ever get the chance to be reborn in the same time as you, i’ll love you all the same over and over again. you’ll always be the only one in my life, jisung. thank you for being my boyfriend, my partner, my light._ **

**_when the cherry blossoms start to bloom, let’s meet again._ **

**_i love you so much._ **

**_really._ **

**_\- chenle_ **


End file.
